


Is It Enough (To Be Alive)

by sadtunes



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, But also, Drabble, Gen, If you've read my works you already know, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, Not Beta Read, Short One Shot, Tags Are Fun, Tags Are Hard, Vormir, also this is v short, even more angst, no beta we die like natasha in endgame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 00:14:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 551
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26866480
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sadtunes/pseuds/sadtunes
Summary: "Natasha still dreams about it- dying, that is."ORWhat if Natasha didn't stay dead in endgame except im not going to say how or why or when or what I'm just here for the angst ok.
Relationships: Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	Is It Enough (To Be Alive)

**Author's Note:**

> I saw something similar and this is my take on it. It's shorter than my usual but I was just kinda lazy again and I have other things to write, but I really wanted to post this so- here we are.
> 
> TW: Nothing too bad, but a little bit of Suicidal Ideology so if you could get triggered by that please don't read, take care of yourself.

Natasha still dreams about it- dying.

It’s cold, the type of chill that settles within, doesn’t go away no matter how hot the summer day. It’s the type of cold that has her gasping on winter nights, or when her feet slip out of the blanket- too familiar, too much.

She’s Russian, or she was, at least; she’s used to the cold, the chill it brings, she’s always had to be. But now, an extra strong fall breeze, or walking on a porch without socks, leaves her feeling like she might cry- if she hadn’t lost the ability long ago.

It’s a scary feeling now, to be cold. She can taste it on her tongue, feel it in her veins, see it in her dreams.

  
  


_ “Let me go.” She says to Clint, held up only by his grasp on her wrist.  _

_ “Let me go.” She says to Clint, and it’s a little bit selfish, because she wouldn’t have for him. _

  
  


Natasha still dreams about her death.

She can remember how it feels- hitting the ground.

She has never known such agony.

There was a time, long ago, where they taught her how to deal with pain. Channel it, use it, don’t ever,  _ ever _ , let it show.

_ “To feel is a weakness Natalia.” _

_ “You’ll break them.” She had said. _

_ “Only the breakable ones.” Was said in return. _

Natasha was made unbreakable, Natasha was made to be marble.

_ But she had died. _

Natasha had died, and maybe she had been reborn.

Because now, she can feel it in her heart, she has broken.

Natasha can’t remember ever having screamed in her entire life. She knows she must have as a child, as a newborn, a baby. 

But Madam B tore the capacity for such a thing quickly.

  
  


_ “Don’t make a sound Pauchok.”  _

_ “Don’t let them know they’ve hurt you.” _

  
  


No, Natasha learned how not to make a sound, it was trained onto her young mind- and body- and a lesson never forgotten, the scars on her skin a permanent reminder.

And yet- the moment her body hit the ground, only a fragment of a second before her head caught up, Natasha knew she would’ve screamed, if only her mouth had enough time to open up and make the sound.

She dreams about that too- phantom pain wracking her nerves, the feeling of her spine shattering in the ground. She wakes up every time, alone and sobbing, gasps heaving themselves from her throat, and tears refusing to come out.

It’s a horrid feeling, not being able to cry. She used to be thankful for it, back when crying was a weakness, back when emotions were forbidden. 

Now, all she feels is a flood of emotion in her heart- suffocating her, and she wishes she could let it out.

Natasha dreams and dreams and dreams to the point where she dreads nightfall. There are bags underneath her eyes and a headache constantly tearing apart her mind.

There is pain and fear and tears that never come and a cold that never leaves and-

  
  


_ “Let me go.” She says to Clint, wishing that he wouldn’t. _

_ “Let me go.” She says to Clint, knowing that he will. _

  
  


-and Sometimes Natasha wonders what a mercy it would be to dream and dream and dream-

And never wake up.

**Author's Note:**

> ....Yea that's it, short, I know.
> 
> Comments make me happy, so feel free to leave one. 
> 
> (:


End file.
